


tell me what it means to love

by Lewdsuke



Series: Iwaizumi/Oikawa [13]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Memories, Crying, Declarations Of Love, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Love, M/M, Sad Iwaizumi Hajime, True Love, just a lot of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:15:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22582375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lewdsuke/pseuds/Lewdsuke
Summary: Hajime once asked his father what love was.“It’s when you really like someone and want to be around them. Is there a girl you like at school, Hajime?”Hajime shook his head no.“I think I love Tooru!”
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Series: Iwaizumi/Oikawa [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1363297
Comments: 12
Kudos: 216





	tell me what it means to love

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna be honest... I really love this one. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it <3

Hajime once asked his mother what love was.

She was always telling him and his father that she loved them, so naturally one day Hajime wondered what a word like that really meant. She looked at him curiously and smiled. Her smile was warm and kind, and it always made Hajime’s skin tingle.

“It’s when you feel very strongly for something or someone. When you love someone, being around them warms your heart, so even if that person makes you mad, you forgive them.”

Hajime thought of all the times his mother would chastise him for getting in trouble at school, and how angry it made him. Then his mother would smile at him and he’d feel all warm inside.

So Hajime thought he knew what love was.

• • •

Hajime once asked his father what love was.

He grinned at him and put down his coffee mug on the table, leaning down until he was at eye level with his seven year old son.

“It’s when you really like someone and want to be around them. Is there a girl you like at school, Hajime?”

Hajime shook his head no.

“I think I love Tooru!”

His father raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Oikawa Tooru? Your friend from class? Why do you think you love him?”

“Mom told me that love makes you feel warm and that it makes you forgive someone when they make you mad. Tooru is really annoying sometimes but we’re still friends. Does that mean I love Tooru?”

His father stared at him. Then he let out a guffaw that made Hajime jump in shock. He patted his son on the head and ruffled his hair.

“That’s exactly right, Hajime. You must really love Tooru.”

• • •

Hajime once tried to tell Tooru what love is.

“My dad says that I love you, Tooru.”

“Hajime loves me?”

Tooru’s smile was so wide that his cheeks looked stretched out. He clapped his hands and giggled. Hajime’s face felt warm and he nodded his head.

“Yeah, because you’re really annoying and we’re still friends.”

Tooru’s smile fell and was replaced with a pout. He stopped clapping and instead crossed his arms over his chest. He tucked his chin into his neck and Hajime felt less warm.

“Ehhhh? That’s mean, Hajime! I am not annoying! You’re annoying!”

“I am not! Dummy Tooru!”

“Meanie Hajime!”

“S-Stupid face Tooru!”

Tooru gasped and covered his mouth.

“You’re not supposed to say stupid, Hajime!”

Hajime crossed his arms and glared at Tooru. He turned around and walked away and Tooru did the same.

He knew they’d be friends again tomorrow.

• • •

Hajime once asked Tooru what love really was.

A teammate of theirs was bragging about how in love he and his girlfriend were and Hajime was getting fed up with it. Tooru looked just as irritated as he did.

“He keeps going on and on about loving his girlfriend but I bet you he doesn’t even know what it is.”

Hajime laughed at his friend’s comment.

“What do you think love is?”

“Well, Iwa-chan, I at least know that it’s not that.”

Hajime laughed again.

“Yeah? Then what?”

Tooru hummed and closed his eyes and thought. Then he shrugged.

“I dunno. But I guess it’s kind of an unconditional thing? Like even if you stop talking, you still love each other.”

Hajime looked at the ground. Unconditional, huh? It reminded him of what his mom said about forgiving someone when they make you mad. He thought of Tooru, but he didn’t dare tell his best friend that he loved him again. Tooru would definitely tease him.

• • •

Hajime once asked Kageyama what he thought love was.

“I really love setting the best!”

Hajime had just asked his underclassmen what position they wanted to be, but he marveled in particular at the way Kageyama’s eyes lit up when he talked about how he loved volleyball and being a setter.

After practice, Hajime frowned as he watched Tooru reject Kageyama yet again. He approached the younger boy and grabbed him by the shoulder.

“You must really love volleyball if you’re that dedicated to getting someone like Oikawa to teach you serves.”

“I do! And Oikawa-senpai’s serves are amazing. Why doesn’t he teach me?”

“He’s something of an asshole.”

Hajime rolled his eyes. He turned to see a very confused-looking Kageyama and laughed at his underclassman’s seriousness.

“Say, Kageyama, what would you say love is?”

Kageyama was surprised by the question, looking down and spinning the volleyball in his hands.

“I’m not sure. It’s exciting, I think, like how volleyball makes me feel. Whenever I set the ball and my teammate hits it, I feel really happy. Almost unstoppable.”

Kageyama looked up at Hajime nervously and Hajime smiled at him and patted his head.

“It reminds me of you and Oikawa-senpai during games. You two work really well and always get lots of points together. You guys look unstoppable.”

Hajime froze, his hand still resting atop Kageyama’s head. He wanted to wave off the comment, but another third year called Kageyama over to help him with something, so Hajime was left alone.

• • •

Hajime once questioned Tooru’s use of the word ‘love.’

He watched as his best friend spoke to his girlfriend outside the gym right before practice started. She was Tooru’s first girlfriend since they started at Aoba Johsai. She was pretty and short and athletic and always told Tooru that she loved him, to which Tooru said that he loved her, too. Hajime hasn’t met her, but he knows he doesn’t like her. He doesn’t really know why.

“Do you really love her?”

Tooru tilted his head and smiled pleasantly.

“Maybe. But I can't just not say it back to her.”

“Yes you can.”

“That’d be mean! No wonder Iwa-chan is eternally single!”

Hajime stomps on Tooru’s foot and Tooru yelps.

“I didn’t think that you’d use the word so loosely.”

“What? Love? I don’t have to mean it to say it. I told you I’m just being nice.”

Tooru then had a mischievous smile on his face as he leaned closer to his best friend.

“I still love volleyball more, so don’t tell her!”

Then he skipped away.

Hajime reminded himself of that often. Tooru loved volleyball the most. Where there was volleyball, there was Hajime.

So, maybe Tooru loved Hajime the most.

• • •

Hajime once asked Hanamaki what love was.

They were in their third year and had become good friends after playing so much volleyball together. They were sitting on the roof together because, actually, Hanamaki asked Hajime if he loved Tooru. Hajime didn’t answer right away, but as they laid down on the roof and stared at the cloudless sky, Hajime asked Hanamaki what love was.

Hanamaki was about to crack a joke, but then he saw Hajime’s eyes. They were lidded and dark. They looked sad. Or… unsure. Hanamaki decided not to joke around.

“Well, that’s kind of a hard question. There’s the love we have for people like our friends and family because those people mean the most to us. Then there’s the other kind that makes you want to hug and kiss someone. I guess.”

Hajime blinked.

“Which one are you feeling, Iwaizumi?”

Hajime blinked again. Then he answered.

“The wrong one.”

• • •

Hajime once cried when Tooru told him what love was.

He didn’t expect his friend to burst into his bedroom a few weeks before they went to their separate universities. Tooru just waltzed right in and seated himself beside Hajime on the bed, so Hajime asked him what was wrong.

Tooru didn’t look at him. He fiddled with the blanket on the bed.

“Love isn’t real.”

Hajime was taken aback.

“What are you talking about? You know that’s not true.”

But then Tooru looked at him. He glared at Hajime and suddenly Hajime didn’t feel so warm anymore.

“Don’t talk like you even know, Hajime. Love is a fucking lie. What else could possibly explain this?”

Tooru spat at the words with a venomous tone and Hajime wanted to get angry and tell him he was wrong. But he only wanted to.

“Explain what?”

Tooru’s lips trembled and he picked up Hajime’s pillow to toss it across the room. Then he buried his face in his hands.

“All those girls who I went out with who just up and told me on our second date that they wanted to break up because I wasn’t who they thought I was. They didn’t think they could love me.”

“Oikawa—”

“My parents are getting divorced.”

His voice was quiet and muffled when he cut him off, but Hajime could hear him clearly. He reached out to squeeze Tooru’s shoulder, but was shaken off.

“How could they fucking lie about it all this time? Saying they loved each other… telling me that they loved me…. Bullshit.”

Tooru was hurt. He was angry and upset and distraught and felt betrayed.

“Oikawa… of course they still love you. Sometimes―”

“Sometimes what, Hajime? You don’t know a fucking thing.”

Both Hajime and Tooru at that moment wondered why Tooru had even come to Hajime for help.

Hajime felt hurt. He spent so much of his life asking people about love because he wanted to understand it. He wanted to understand love and why it always led him back to Tooru.

Hajime cried.

Hajime cried and Tooru didn’t look back as he walked out.

Hajime cried because he didn’t know a fucking thing. Tooru’s parents were getting divorced. Tooru dated many girls who all broke up with him because they realized they didn’t actually love him. So what did Hajime know?

He wondered if things would’ve turned out differently if he hadn’t been so stubborn about telling his best friend that he loved him again.

Maybe it would have been different if the last time Hajime told Tooru he loved him wasn’t when they were seven years old.

• • •

Hajime once asked Kuroo Testurou what love was.

No, he never expected to ask someone like Kuroo Testurou a question like that. But sometimes fate did weird things. If fate was even real, that is.

Hajime had moved to Tokyo two years ago to start a new job as a volleyball coach for children. Sure, sometimes he missed playing for a real team with his peers, but ultimately, volleyball reminded him of Tooru, and Tooru reminded him of love, and he really didn’t want those two thoughts in his mind. Not at one time, at least.

It’s not like he never talks to Tooru anymore. At the very least, they’ll text each other once a month, without fail. After all, that one disagreement wasn’t enough to end nearly twenty years of friendship. Sometimes he did feel a little embarrassed, though. So many years ago, after their match against Karasuno, Hajime told Tooru that he’d defeat his team in volleyball. That never happened. Hajime never even played in an official game when he was in college.

But he was content with his current situation. Until, Kuroo paid him a visit.

The boy walked into the small gymnasium with a smile and told Hajime that he would like to observe their practice. He thought it was strange, but then Kuroo explained how he was going to start working with a kid’s team at another gym. Hajime asked why he would come here and Kuroo told him that he had a friend at school named Oikawa who said he had a friend who worked here.

Hajime almost forgot that Tooru’s school was only half an hour away from where he worked. Which was a lie, he just didn’t want to think about it.

“I’m Iwaizumi Hajime. Maybe I’m the friend Oikawa told you about.”

Kuroo grinned.

“Oh! Then you are Iwa-chan! You’re just as short and buff as Oikawa described.”

“I’m not short.”

Hajime growled it out, then took a deep breath.

“Well, whatever. How’s Oikawa doing?”

Kuroo frowned for the first time since he walked in.

“He hasn’t been doing good since his knee got hurt again. This is the third month he’s had to be benched for games and practice matches.”

Hajime felt his breath get caught in his throat.

“He… what?”

“Yeah. Did... he not tell you? Shit.”

Hajime was in shock for the entire hour he spoke to Kuroo, who told him about the mess Tooru had become in the past few months. He said that Tooru was missing more of his classes and that whenever Kuroo went to his dorm, he was never home. He told Hajime about the many rumors about Tooru sleeping around a lot lately.

Kuroo told Hajime that Tooru has been really depressed lately. Hajime never knew.

“Sorry, um, I have a weird question.”

Kuroo grunted in acknowledgement and Hajime continued.

“Do you think love is real?”

Kuroo seemed happy to answer when he said yes and told Hajime about the blonde he was dating back in Miyagi.

“Well… what do you think it is?”

Kuroo smiled. It was a smile so sincere that Hajime looked away because it felt too intimate.

“I don’t really think love is any one thing. It’s lots of things and lots of feelings and it’s different for everyone, but it gives us all a sense of peace. Why do you ask?”

“No reason.”

But Hajime thinks Kuroo is lying, because loving Tooru has not once brought him peace.

• • •

Hajime once asked Matsukawa what love was.

It had been years since he last saw his good friend and he was ecstatic to see him. Or he would've been, had they reunited anywhere else.

But the place where he saw his old friend was in the hospital. Hajime was laying on the white bed when his new nurse walked in. He looked at the tall, lean man with black hair and a sharp jawline and stubble until he finally realized who it was.

“M-Mattsun.”

Matsukawa’s eyes widened as soon as he heard the old nickname and almost dropped the clipboard in his hands.

“Iwaizumi!”

The impact of Matsukawa’s hug was so strong and so sudden that Hajime lost his breath as he struggled to wriggle from his friend’s embrace and hug him back.

“Jesus Christ, Iwaizumi. Do you know how worried Makki and I have been? You haven’t been answering any of our calls or texts and Oikawa says he hasn’t heard from you. We checked the gym you worked at and they said you quit and—”

“Oh god, please talk slower.”

Hajime grimaced and his head pounded. Matsukawa let go of him.

“What the hell were you thinking? You could’ve really hurt yourself.”

Matsukawa hissed the words through his teeth. Hajime shrugged.

“But I didn’t. Right?”

The glare Matsukawa gave him shot straight into his soul.

“If you hadn’t blacked out last night, you could have died, Iwaizumi. The bartender apparently said you’d been going their every night and drinking so much he’d have to cut you off before midnight. And you were vomiting for an hour after arriving here. Do you even remember that?”

No, Hajime didn’t remember. He didn’t remember any of last night. The past two weeks since he quit his job at the gym have been very blurry, honestly. He didn’t have to say anything for Matsukawa to know that, though.

“You talked to Oikawa?”

Matsukawa frowned.

“Obviously. He’s your best friend, isn’t he?”

Hajime finally felt his blood pumping.

“What did he say?”

Hajime hasn’t talked to Tooru since Kuroo visited the gym.

“He said he had no idea. He was worried because you haven’t contacted him in months.

Hajime whispered the word under his breath. Worried. Tooru was worried about him.

“Mattsun? What do you think love is?”

“Love? Iwaizumi, what—”

“Aren’t you engaged to Makki? How do you know you love him? Tell me.”

Matsukawa grunted and looked at the ground. Hajime looked strangely lively for someone who almost drank himself to death. Somehow, though, that didn’t surprise Matsukawa.

“Well, he makes me happier than anyone in lots of different ways, and I’d probably do anything for him. I don’t know, Iwaizumi. It’s like a heavy feeling, except it feels good. It’s just… when you know, you know.”

Hajime had heard enough.

• • •

Hajime once asked himself what love was.

Honestly, he wasn’t sure why he ever asked anyone else in the first place. Although, they have to be credited because Hajime finally knew.

For his entire life, Hajime asked anyone he could about that strange, overused, confusing word: love. What was it? Where did it come from? How was it supposed to make him feel?

Why did it always make him think of Tooru?

Deep down, Hajime wondered if maybe he told himself that he didn’t know so he could convince himself that it wasn’t love that he felt for his best friend.

But for the first time in a while, Hajime felt his body warm up and his heart beat faster and his eyes sting with tears as soon as Matsukawa told him that Tooru was worried about him.

Hajime felt angry when Kuroo told him love was peaceful because Tooru made him feel lost and restless, not peaceful.

Hajime felt hopeless when Tooru told him that love was a lie because if that was true, then what was life supposed to even mean?

Hajime felt upset when Hanamaki told him about the two kinds of love because he knew that the one he felt for Tooru was the one that was leading him down the hardest, most painful path.

Hajime felt annoyed when Tooru told his girlfriend in high school that he loved her because he was jealous and he knew that it was all fake.

Hajime felt scared when Kageyama told him that watching him and Tooru play volleyball made them look unstoppable, the word he used to describe love. Kageyama identified the feeling there before Hajime himself.

Hajime felt relieved when Tooru was also bothered by their lovebird classmates because he realized that Tooru wasn’t the kind of person to take love for granted.

Hajime felt embarrassed when he told Tooru he loved him that one time, because it didn’t go at all like he planned and instead they just argued.

Hajime felt happy when his father told him what love was because it confirmed to him that yes, what he felt for his best friend was love.

Hajime felt confused when his mother told him what love was because it was exactly how he felt about Tooru.

But now Hajime knows that love isn’t one feeling.

It’s a universe.

And Tooru was nothing if not the center of Hajime’s universe.

• • •

Hajime, for the second time, told Tooru that he loves him.

It’s probably the worst possible place to be reunited with your best friend, but as Hajime exits the elevator into the lobby of the hospital, he sees a certain fluffy-haired brunette walking away from the front desk.

That certain brunette sees him just a second later, and if feels like all time and space has frozen for a second until Tooru finally waves nervously at Hajime.

Hajime gulps.

He doesn’t want to walk over there. He doesn’t want to be so close to Tooru, who has a crooked smile and is balancing his weight on one crutch.

But he walks over there anyway, one heavy step at a time, as if his legs were asleep.

“Hey, Oikawa.”

Tooru chuckles and sticks out his tongue. Hajime feels comforted to see that old habit.

“Why so sullen, Iwa-chan? You haven’t seen your best friend in two years and that’s all I get?”

His lips are curved into a smile, but his eyes are shaky and dark.

Hajime chokes out a laugh as he wraps one arm around Tooru in a hug.

“It’s good to see you, Bitchykawa.”

“That’s a new one.”

Tooru laughs again as he returns the hug. The heat of his arm burns into Hajime’s back

“Well, I’m a new man now. That means new insults.”

Tooru pulls away from the embrace and Hajime swallows down and ignores the urge to pull him back in.

“You’ve really matured, huh?”

No.

“Listen, do you wanna go get coffee?”

Hajime grinds his teeth. Tooru smiles.

“Your treat?”

Hajime wants to argue with him, but he doesn't. He just agrees, and he and Tooru take a bus to the town area and they go to the nearest cafe, because watching the brunette hobble around on his crutch is making him anxious.

They both end up ordering light, which is a relief to Hajime’s wallet.

Except, right now, that’s the least of his worries.

Tooru eyes Hajime up and down.

“So, what’s wrong with you?”

“Eh?”

Hajime’s scowls and Tooru quickly waves his hands.

“Ah, I mean, why were you at the hospital?”

“Oh.”

Hajime looks at his hands resting on the table. He doesn’t want to answer that question. But Tooru is quiet and waits patiently for a response.

He can’t avoid it.

“I just had a little too much to drink is all.”

Tooru looks at him suspiciously.

“So… you ended up in the hospital?

Hajime nods.

“Bullshit.”

“D-Dammit, Oikawa!”

Tooru snickers, but he looks annoyed.

“Your body is too strong and healthy for that to happen!”

Hajime glares at him.

“Okay, okay. But really, Iwa-chan, you should know that it’s useless to lie to me at this point.”

“Fuck you. I’ve… I guess you could say I’ve had a bit of a drinking problem lately.”

“Iwa-chan!”

Hajime shouldn't feel so good when Tooru looks at him with that expression. He looks scared and worried for Hajime’s sake. It shouldn’t feel so good, but it does.

“How bad?”

Hajime sighs. As much as he loves being this close to Tooru again, he desperately wants to run away.

“It’s been a couple months, I think. And I quit my job at the gym two weeks ago. Last night, I just collapsed. It wasn’t a big deal, since I got help right away.”

“Not a big deal? Iwaizumi.”

Hajime’s mouth tastes sour at the sound of his name. He’s not used to hearing it in Tooru’s voice. When they were younger, Tooru called him Hajime when he was serious.

“Yeah, so, I could've died or something, but I didn’t. So it’s all good, right?”

“It’s not all good!”

Tooru’s tone changes into an angry one, and Hajime takes a deep breath because this isn’t how he wanted their reunion to go.

“Why are you so angry?”

Tooru looks at him like he must be the dumbest person in the world, and Hajime feels that way, too.

But Tooru takes a deep breath, too, then, as the waitress comes to give them their coffee.

“What would I have done if I lost you?”

“We haven’t talked in a year.”

“And?”

And? Hajime stumbles over his words. He knows he’s spouting bullshit, but ever since their argument so many years ago, walls had been built up around him. There was a division between them, like a canyon they couldn’t cross.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. Life hasn’t been easy recently. Not ever, honestly.”

Tooru nods in agreement and smiles.

“I know what you mean.”

He sips his coffee. Hajime sips his, too.

“So… your knee?”

The words make his throat hurt just saying them out loud.

“Right. Long story short, I can’t play volleyball anymore.”

“OIkawa….”

Hajime is at a loss for words.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. It’s been an off and on problem for me for over two years now.”

“Yeah, Kuroo told me.”

Tooru looks up at Hajime.

“Huh? Tetsu-chan?”

Tetsu-chan.

“Mhm. And about you sleeping around.”

He didn’t mean to say that. The words just slipped out.

Tooru snorts.

“Tetsu-chan told you that? He’s an ass.”

The muscles in Hajime’s body tighten. He drinks more of his coffee and tries to calm down. Whatever Tooru has done shouldn’t matter. He still loves him. He has no right to judge him, after all he had sex in college, too.

“You suck one dick and suddenly everyone thinks you’re the biggest whore on campus.”

Hajime squeezes his cup of coffee too hard as he drinks and it drips onto his hands. He curses and Tooru hands him a napkin.

“Um… what?”

Tooru looks mildly uncomfortable with the subject but Hajime needs answers.

“What?”

“What do you mean? You can’t just say that.”

Tooru groans.

“It’s college. Sure I had sex a few times.”

Hajime’s eye twitches and Tooru shoots him a curious glance.

“One thing led to another, and I was at a party. There was this one guy. He was the captain of the rugby team, and a real asshole at that.”

Tooru takes gulp of his coffee and hisses as it burns his tongue. Iwaizumi refrains from calling him dumb.

“And I was drunk. We just…”

Tooru taps his fingers on the table and his tongue pokes the inside of his cheek. Hajime can’t tell if he’s referencing something or avoiding the details (which he definitely appreciates).

“And that bastard told people. This is college, you wouldn’t expect rumors to blow up like that, but this guy knows everyone involved in sports at that school. So everyone knew. It was humiliating, Iwa-chan.”

Tooru groans again and frowns, looking at Hajime with puppy-like eyes.

“Yeah… I can imagine.”

Hajime isn’t sure whether he should be relieved or not. He is glad that the rumor wasn’t true, though.

Tooru looks at Hajime and then down at the table. Hajime bites his lip. Tooru checks his phone and sighs.

“I have to go to work.”

“You have a job?”

“Part-time. I’m doing a lot of online classes right now.”

“But you’re injured.”

“Not enough to get out of work, unfortunately.”

So Hajime leaves the money on the table and offers to walk with Tooru to the bus stop.

“I get off at 7:30.”

“Oh?”

Hajime looks at Tooru, confused.

“I’ll text you. Pick me up from work.”

Hajime stares at Tooru for a second, unable to tell if he's joking. Tooru laughs and glares at Hajime.

“Mattsun texted me. Since neither of us are very busy, I’ve been tasked with making sure you don’t try to drink yourself to death again.”

Guilt.

“You don’t need to do that.”

“I do.”

Tooru smiles and gets on the bus.

. . .

Iwaizumi Hajime knows what love is.

He waits outside of the convenience store until 7:47pm exactly, when Tooru hobbles out the front door.

“Let’s go to your place.”

Hajime nods his head, tries to hide his eagerness.

“What about your stuff?”

“Working part-time at a convenience store has its perks.”

Tooru holds up a travel size toothbrush.

“I figure you have anything else I need.”

Hajime grunts, still distracted by the thought that Tooru will be spending the night at his apartment. They haven’t had a sleepover since highschool. Although, this probably can’t be called a sleepover.

Hajime hails a taxi.

“Let’s go.”

Tooru has a small smile on his face for the entire ride, so Hajime asks him about it when they finally get out.

“Why are you smiling like that?”

“What? I can’t smile?”

“It’s eerie.”

“That’s rude, Iwa-chan.”

They walk up the stairs to the apartment, Hajime walking closely behind Tooru to ensure he doesn’t fall. Tooru teases him for being motherly, and Hajime actually laughs.

Then Hajime slips his key in the door and opens it.

This is it.

“Wow! So clean! Not that I’m surprised.”

Hajime recalls being the tidier of the two. However, he doesn’t mention the fact that he’s been tirelessly cleaning up beer cans and such for the past few hours.

They slip off their shoes and suddenly everything feels too real. Hajime hasn’t been tethered to reality for quite a while, almost as if he were living in the clouds. And now Tooru has come back into his life and brought him down to the earth once again.

It’s too real.

Hajime’s heart is beating too fast. His hands are shaking too much. He can’t breathe.

He can’t breathe.

He can’t breathe.

Tooru waltzes in and sits himself on the couch. He relaxes into the chair and smiles at Hajime.

Hajime still can’t breathe.

He walks over to Tooru and sits next to him. He doesn’t know how to begin. Or where to begin. Or _if_ he should begin.

They both turn their heads and speak at the same time.

“Iwa-chan―”

“Oikawa―”

Hajime feels anxious, so he chuckles and smiles at Tooru.

“Sorry. You go first.”

Tooru takes a deep breath and runs his hand over his face.

“I’ve missed you, Iwa-chan.”

Hajime’s heart pounds and he hopes that Tooru can’t hear it.

“I know we haven’t really talked much since high school, and we’ve seen each other even less. But somehow, those few months that you just stopped talking to me altogether… I’ve never been more scared. It was like getting stuck in a maze. I thought that once we went our different ways that I would get used to being without you.”

Tooru snorts.

“I guess having spent my life with you since we were kids affected me more than I thought. I really can’t imagine a life without Iwa-chan.”

Hajime hands are clenched tightly. His head feels empty but his mind is overflowing with thoughts. His ears are ringing and his eyelids feel heavy.

“I can’t believe you managed to make me this dependent on you. I can’t believe that just being able to text you every now and then was what made me keep going.”

Tooru laughs to himself and shakes his head.

Then he turns to look at Hajime with a look that makes his heart sink. It makes every muscle in his body tense up. He gets goosebumps and lets out a shaky breath before Tooru can even say anything.

“Why did you do it?”

Hajime doesn’t respond.

“Why?”

He can’t answer him.

“Iwa-chan, I need to know.”

The words are stuck in his throat, refusing to come up. With each passing second, Tooru’s expression grows more and more grim.

“Why won’t you tell me?”

_Because he’s stuck. He’s been frozen for years. He’s closed himself up._

“H-Hajime.”

And the floodgates break.

“You broke my heart, Tooru, and you never even knew. I spent my life agonizing over you. Ever since I met you I just couldn’t figure it out. I just couldn’t figure out what that emotion was supposed to mean. I didn’t understand how one person could completely dominate my thoughts without even trying.”

The fireworks were finally exploding.

“Everyone. I asked everyone what love meant. Over and over I tried to figure out why everyone’s answers led me back to you. I did everything I could to stay close to you, and then one day you took my heart and shattered it, and it feels like I haven’t been able to get to you since.”

Hajime looks at Tooru. He’s blurry from the hot tears pooling in his eyes, but he focuses on that fluffy brown hair.

“Do you remember that day, Tooru?”

Tooru gulps.

“You came into my room and told me that it was all a lie, and that love wasn’t real. You told me that I didn’t know anything, and then just like that you left. I felt broken. I didn’t know what to do.”

Hajime takes a second to wipe his eyes. He finally sees Tooru clearly. His eyes are wide and his mouth is open, still as a statue. Hajime continues.

“I don’t blame you. I never did. You’re my best friend, I know you were upset and you wouldn’t have said it if you knew what I was thinking then. But I just kept living. I kept working towards a future I couldn’t see, a future that I could only hope you were a part of. You were my everything. I told myself everyday that I was okay with the distance between us, but in reality I wasn’t. It was slowly wearing me down.”

Hajime sniffles and blinks hard.

“Then Kuroo showed up. He told me all the things that you never told me, Tooru. About the rumors, and about your… your knee. And after that I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I couldn’t deal with the fact that I’d never have you, or that I’d never even get the chance to try. I gave up, Tooru, I really did.”

Hajime looks down at his lap.

“And then you appeared in front of me today and I’m just going on and on about this, but I don’t want you to think any of this is your fault. Tooru, I―”

Hajime chokes on a sob and rubs his eyes. He looks at Tooru again and Tooru looks back.

“I _love_ you.”

Hajime’s face is warm. His skin is tingling.

“I love you. I always have. I’ve been torn between wanting to be more and wanting to stay the same but now I can finally say with confidence that I know what love is, and it’s you.”

Tooru doesn’t say anything, but his lips are trembling and his eyelashes are fluttering.

“I’ll be okay if you can’t say it back, but I have to know what―”

“I believe in you, Hajime.”

“...What?”

Tooru sucks in a strangled breath and twiddles his fingers, but he doesn’t stop looking at Hajime.

“I believe in you. You’re everything to me, and it took me so long to realize it. I’ve never felt as many emotions as I have when I’m with you and it’s overwhelming.”

Hajime bites his lip.

“I broke my own heart back then, too, you know. I do love you, Hajime. I think I always have.”

Hajime doesn’t stop crying when he leans forwards to hold Tooru in his arms like he’s always wanted. Tooru doesn’t stop crying when he threads his hand into Hajime’s hair and wraps the other arm around his waist like his life depends on it.

They don’t stop crying, even though it tastes salty. But they don’t mind that their first kiss won’t be very pretty, or romantic, or clean.

Love isn’t always pretty, but it took them this long to realize that it doesn’t have to be.

It just has to be each other.


End file.
